9/29/05: Katrina-To the Gulf

Supposedly leaving for the Gulf Region tomorrow or Saturday. I've been concentrating on getting stuff done, yet lacking focus. It's becoming pragmatic rather than keeping my eyes on why I'm doing this. Tomorrow begins the test. I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm slightly scared. Kind of unsure. My goal is to change my life; my thinking. Bust out of this rut permanently. First step down a new path? Departure. I'm ready as I'll ever be, and the coming weeks will prove some things; good or bad. I've sold DVDs, my iPod, and returned the new backpack. All that's left are the remaining DVDs, the radar gun, and the ski jacket. I think I'm ready...

9/24/05: Denver-Katrina Relief Taking Shape

It's looking like I'm driving down south. Connected with the guy running a campground in Louisiana, and may start out there. That could change if anyone or other organization contacts me. I'd like to go to animal shelters, but not sure how that would work out. I don't know a damn thing! I guess I'll start getting the tactical stuff done on Monday.

The situation at home has deteriorated. There was basically no contact at all yesterday. The past few days have been much the same as a few weeks ago. Getting used to going alone. Seeking clarity. I feel like there's a war being waged in my mind. Almost a fight between young and old. Fighting complacency. Fighting giving up. I've lost focus. My whole purpose -- is to find meaning and purpose. Make my life mean something. So I go out looking. My focus is outward rather than inward. Yes, I'm questioning everything again. This feels the same as on the train home; the ride home from Arizona. I am resistant when it comes to embracing such a change?

9/19/05: Denver-Fuck the Institutions

11:48 am: Well, here it is: 29 again. As with 29, I didn't wake up feeling like I needed a walker. I feel the same as I did yesterday. Go figure...

The camping trip was good. It felt good to get away. I tried to just let things happen, and although I felt my control mechanism kick in a few times, for the most part I did. Conscious awakening. I'm intrigued. I feel something like that. Is that what I'm tapping into when I leave? I love the idea, and always have wondered what it is that I [have always felt]. I know there's something driving me, just unable to recognize it fully. A feeling that I'm not in sync with it. That's what started this whole damn thing last year. What a process, and what journey it's sent me on. What a year!

At this time in 2004, I was chatting with the annoying chick in Santa Fe [telling me about the city]. Wheels were turning, and the stone had just begun to roll. Hurricane Ivan was a year ago last week. The meltdown in our bedroom. Unbearable frustration. I, at that moment, embraced something. I let go to a degree. At the same time, relinquished control and took responsibility the best I knew how. Took responsibility for my own happiness. After Santa Fe, Taos, and now Denver, I'm entering yet another phase. I must let go again. Trust in fate and that the answer will present itself. I believe it will, although I'm worried that it's another "process of elimination." situation. I should seek out more people who think as I do, and exchange ideas and experiences. Consciousness. By definition: waking up.

So, here I am. Standing, almost literally, at a crossroad. The Celestine Prophecy suggests listening to your inner compass when faced with a fork in the road. I will put that to practice. Biloxi Mississippi? Sounds that way. I would like to help animals. Also, but I'll go where I'm drawn. Hilltop Rescue seems a bit too faith-based for my tastes. I have problems with organizations stipulating that "God" must come along with the relief efforts. Why? Quit beating your Bible on your chests and just help!

**Millions of people like me are just wanting to help pick up the pieces, yet no one seems to want to let us. Red tape. Bureaucracy. Crusades. Agendas. No! I reject that. I will go, and perhaps learn a bit about how this itself can be improved. I know the human spirit is alive and well; thriving. People are searching. They feel it. I feel it. Yet every "faith-based" or government organization/corporate charity either wants them to jump into their ideological camp, or to just cough up money.**

Money alone won't solve this problem, unless you consider Halliburton the only solution. Let the people help rebuild New Orleans, and watch what happens. I envision a million people -- volunteers -- who would descend upon the area only because they know they have to do something. Why? In reality, they don't. They could sit at home, watch CNN or HBO (as I am this week), go to their cushy little jobs... maybe even write a check to wash their hands of it. Yet, it seems that untold numbers of us are drawn to Biloxi, Gulfport, or New Orleans with nothing more offered them than the vision of helping. Craigslist is busting with people trying to help.

**Maybe...just maybe...Katrina, along with 9/11, is a catalyst. George Bush may have been put in office for a reason. To enrage us, and as a result, awaken us. I must explore this.

2:18 pm: I think I may book the ticket for Biloxi, or further discuss taking the Jeep down there. Hurricane Rita is brewing off of the Florida Keys. I still need gloves, steel toe boots, and the sleeping pad. All of this, however, will depend on how I'm going. If I drive I can take more shit, but more than likely it will be by bus. Networking may be possible on the bus, but by car, I could pre-network via the Internet. Things are coming together--finally. Fuck the organizations.

9/15/05: Hurricanes, Whoring, & Buddha

I saw Anthony Hopkins on Conan tonight. Very poignant at this point in time. He was talking about feeling "Zen." How when he quit trying to control everything, things seemed to flow for him. He realized that later in life, and just let things happen. That felt right. I've been trying to control and analyze everything. It occurred to me that during my trips this year, I had done exactly that. I had let go and was just reacting to events and living in the moment. Trying to feel everything and experience whatever life decided to throw at me. Letting go. Relinquish control. I'm far from qualified to control life anyhow! Let life, God, consciousness...whatever...lead me. Wherever.

New Orleans, Slidell, Baton Rouge, Biloxi? That's the direction things are going, although dealing with the Red Cross and these fucking church groups is pissing me off. Why is it so hard to...HELP? I thought couple weeks ago it was North Carolina, but things haven't played out. Katrina hit and I sniffed purpose. I've used that word 1000 times over the last 13 months and maybe the problem is that I'm seeking purpose through the wrong channels. Work? Others? I'll be hard-pressed to find purpose in a "job." Going to work doing something meaningless...just for a paycheck. Whore! That one particular day at 99Rock was beautiful! I came to realize exactly what hookers feel like! I'll not be a whore.

Zen? Let go? Why not! I've tried almost everything else. Six-month trial? I'll come back next summer. Overall, I've enjoyed Denver this year. Coors Field and playing baseball. I'll keep plugging along and let fate decide where I'll end up. Maybe if no one helps me on the volunteer end, I should hop on the Greyhound? Greyhound a shorter time wise and safer.

Laina and I are heading off camping down toward the Royal Gorge later this morning. I think I'll try to keep this little metaphysical sliver in mind this weekend. I'm trying to force, or work toward clarity. It is not working. Maybe it is, but not fast enough. My writing steers me in certain directions, but my experiences are what's really shaping me. This weekend will be a nice case study. I'll pay attention to how I feel.

I'm a bit weary. Need stimuli. I should be reading. I never did get to the library to get that book on Buddhism. I keep hearing things that are drawing me. A "calling" comes to mind, but want to avoid that word. I'd like to learn a bit more and see if it fits. Am I seeking religion? No, just answers. Maybe formulas that will put my mind at ease and help me find contentment and a purpose. Maybe I’ll take my Buddhism books down south. Yeah! Rednecks will love that! Off to the woods we go...

9/13/05: Denver-Facing a Dragon

The writing exercises have not been as enlightening as they once were. Maybe it's because the time for speculation has passed.

I bought the sleeping bag and a backpack last night at the Coleman outlet store in Castle Rock. I really can't justify not doing something now. I'm a bit frightened and feeling unprepared. The conversation with my mother on Friday has added something to the mix. Again, it's shined a light on something. That old missing chunk of me. Trying to fill that fucking hole! Society can't do it for me. It's an internal/spiritual thing. I need to find or create the filler myself.

It dawned on me today that I have always wondered why she was so concerned with everyone else while she herself "suffered." Maybe she came to the same conclusions I'm coming to following Katrina. She did understand where I was coming from in wanting to go. It appears that she's chosen to fill her void with God. I will be the last to try to take that away. That would be the height of evil. I hope she finds peace. I was bothered by the " failure as a mother" line. She didn't fail; besides, she was sabotaged. I accept that I was lucky personally. (Ward) is an asshole. Plain and simple. He is unable to transcend his own pain, even if it affects and hurts his own children. "Don't commit the sins of the father" the saying goes.

So, now it's back to the present. I know, and have known all along, what I need. Fulfillment. Knowing who I am and I'm now learning that from scratch. Ward could provide some of that, and by all rights should. Should or not, he just won't. My personal quest must continue and will do so without preconceived notions from "out there." My life is officially mine. All mine. No one else holds influence. I've pledged to stop living it for imaginary approval. That approval will come from within. I'm internalized anyhow, so you would think that killing this unnatural need for outside approval would be easy!

Maybe I should begin to think that everyone else is like a member of Ward's family? I can't do that, and if I did it would be false. I must strive to be genuine. Unfiltered truth. It always comes back to that. The single most significant idea is truth. Displaying it. Speaking it. Trying to live it despite confusion. I often know the truth, and sometimes let it do battle with my rationalizations anyhow. I will begin to conquer that. Rationalization: nothing more than internal "spin."

Okay... so maybe the writing does help a little.

9/7/05: Denver-Deaf, Dumb, & Blind

Feeling antsy & the onset of complacency at the same time. Spending a lot of time trying to reacquire my political legs. In fact, that's about all I have been doing. Still trying to formulate a plan. Almost have decided on going to New Orleans, and now thinking next to nothing about North Carolina. What a difference a week makes. What else is new? I also sent an e-mail to a radio station in Mohave County, Arizona and am considering journalism again. If I choose not to do that, I need to shut the fuck up about the media. Act or watch quietly.

I'm not sure what to do. Something. I've hit the rut again; took a whole four days. I guess I need to weigh options and make a decision ASAP. New Orleans? Bus? North Carolina? Arizona? New Orleans is holding the most interest for me, because it would mean something. I like the idea of a tent for for a long period, too.

I've all but decided to do Denver again next year. Part of me wants to hit the road NOW! But, alas, I need the money and to not burn bridges at Coors Field. So, here I am again spinning my wheels until 9/25. 18 days. Two weeks four days. That's nothing.

Feeling very alone right now. I've begun to disconnect from Laina, I can feel it. I'm bothered that I haven't left the house in two days. I have no excitement left in me right now. The incident on 16th St last week; that may have sealed it for me. I was teetering anyhow. Did not need to see that. Why does this always happen?

Synchronicity? And I have sync with myself? Why it feels so good when I travel, or move? Adventure. I have ideas, yet I never get off my ass. Sleeping bag. Tent. Backpack. I guess I need to get that MP3 off to Arizona to least trying to eliminate another option. Then, if I head to New Orleans, or on Greyhound, I can use to camping stuff either way. Is North Carolina dead? Maybe. Not feeling it right now. What about working KBPI? No. Not licking that anus.

What exactly do I want? What exactly do I need to get there? That should be my focus, I suppose.

9/5/05: Denver-Katrina's Nudge

I'm almost overwhelmed! I've been back from North Carolina, for four days and am still trying to process everything. Things are drastically changing. I had all but decided to take off for North Carolina, but suddenly the vibe with Sarah is different. Hurricane Katrina decimated New Orleans last week, and the news has been dominated by it and the federal government's pathetic response. I'm thinking about going to Louisiana or Mississippi to volunteer. I'm down to just under three weeks at the ballpark, have some cash, and want to use it for something productive. Another option: getting the Greyhound 60-day pass.

Denver's lost its shine. Saw black teenage girl verbally assaulting an older white man down on 16th St. the other night, throwing every racist epithet she could think of at the old coot--who made the mistake of saying hello to her. Disgusting. It disturbed me. Nothing is doing anything for me today. Did go to the Museum, and my hangover decided to come along too. Went to the bar Friday, Saturday, and last night to celebrate and take advantage of Labor Day (today). My time in North Carolina led me to wonder rather ignoring my little drunk was part of the problem, as though maybe I'm suppressing something important, but the nights out this weekend were not all that great. Met Maggie at Charlie Brown's, also a Brian, who was from New Orleans. Likable, but despite that-pretty much an asshole.

My entire focus when I'm out is finding a connection. It's almost an obsession. I'm sending some seriously bad karma out there right now, I suspect. Finding those people gets me off. It's my "hole." What I'm missing. Meaningful relationships. Someone to make me feel complete. Whole. I've always known that; it's my quest since I'm a little kid. I pray that I can fill it someday. I'll never be settled until I find it.

What should I do? Leave? Stay? Wait? Go where? Interesting how my focus changes periodically. Since Arizona, I haven't had the hunger for knowledge. It's become a hunt for experience. Things seemed so clear on the train.

Laina and I talked for hours since I've gotten back, and yes--things seemed to make a certain sense during [those talks]. She really wants to make this work. I sense that she's afraid we won't have another chance. My feelings are that of still searching. Perpetual searching for pieces to complete my personal puzzle. I found bits and pieces. Significant things. My mind is really changing at a rapid pace. Hard to keep up. Turtle and [another] Todd were on the bus east for a reason. I wish I could explain why. Unbearable dissatisfaction and feeling as though my life is out of sync. It is. What do I want? How I get there? Synchronicity. I need it. My mind is racing...