Got back to Denver at 1:30 am
2905 total miles; 1005 yesterday.
I slept Monday night at a rest stop in western Louisiana. The drive was uneventful, except for processing why I left so quickly. The dynamics aren't clear yet, but I'm okay. Feeling disconnected from Denver right now, that's due to the fact that I mentally checked out when I left. What's next? No clue. May work to make money to travel by bus in January and February. Maybe see what Turtle is up to, then go to Michigan. I have a clean slate right now; dreading the impending complacency! Either way, one of the most intense weeks/10 days of my life has come to a close. New chapter begins now, eh?
**More to this coming**
October was far from over. Within 2-weeks I was on a bus and BACK in McComb, MS to again meet up with Carrie and take an eventful ride north for an eventful visit to Michigan. That eventful, forthcoming trip to Michigan would be the thing that would stabilize things for Laina & I. In Denver and beyond. Although, of course, I had no way of knowing that at the time. -x 1/25/10
Travel stories and the occasional rantings of an evolving cynic who's simply in search of a little human authenticity. Tales include hitching across the Rockies with an eventual cop-killer, a weekend with a terminally-ill billionaire, meeting my siblings for the first time, trips to Mexico, and scores of random people from Mass.-Slab City-Chiapas who are often even more interesting...for better or worse!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Monday, October 10, 2005
10/10/05: Enough!
Near Jackson, Mississippi
Left Camp Katrina today. Did the 2 am to 4 am security shift last night, then slept until 11. After I woke up, Rick confronted me and asked if I was there to work "or pick up women," obviously referring to my friendship with Carrie and Jessica. It made no sense whatsoever and of course severely pissed me off.*
Without really making a conscious decision, I broke down my site and left. I spoke with Jeff (camp leader), a bit today and explained the situation. He asked me to reconsider, but I didn't...until I got to Jackson. The further I drove, the more uneasy I was about the decision to return to Denver. I stopped at a rest area to call Laina, then again another 15-20 miles up the road. After sitting for hours, I decided to return to camp and try to make things work. That got me almost to McComb, and then I went back the other way. I feel like an utter failure. I'll eventually look at this and smile, but not today. I’m in a state of confusion; guess I have 1400 miles to figure it out.
*I found out much later that Carrie divorced her husband, Rick left his wife and moved in with her. After learning this, it all made sense! Who was doing the picking up?!?
Left Camp Katrina today. Did the 2 am to 4 am security shift last night, then slept until 11. After I woke up, Rick confronted me and asked if I was there to work "or pick up women," obviously referring to my friendship with Carrie and Jessica. It made no sense whatsoever and of course severely pissed me off.*
Without really making a conscious decision, I broke down my site and left. I spoke with Jeff (camp leader), a bit today and explained the situation. He asked me to reconsider, but I didn't...until I got to Jackson. The further I drove, the more uneasy I was about the decision to return to Denver. I stopped at a rest area to call Laina, then again another 15-20 miles up the road. After sitting for hours, I decided to return to camp and try to make things work. That got me almost to McComb, and then I went back the other way. I feel like an utter failure. I'll eventually look at this and smile, but not today. I’m in a state of confusion; guess I have 1400 miles to figure it out.
*I found out much later that Carrie divorced her husband, Rick left his wife and moved in with her. After learning this, it all made sense! Who was doing the picking up?!?
Sunday, October 9, 2005
10/9/05: Tylertown, MS-Fractures
Jesus! Talk about feeling like a leper! Jessica and Carrie left this afternoon, and amazingly I sudden have no one to associate with. The people I did talk to have left all of a sudden and, since going to New Orleans on Friday, I am feeling quite ostracized. Not a Rick fan right now. I'm truly frustrated tonight. Repacked most of my stuff and am seriously considering leaving tomorrow morning. I really don't need this frustration. I didn't come here for this cliquey shit. This is what I hope to avoid. What is it? "With each new day?" Quite honestly, I don't know where I'd go. Biloxi? Fort Walton Beach? Asheville? Michigan? I dread feeling like a failure though! That would haunt me forever. Must focus and think.
10/9/05: Tylertown, MS-Dog Thieves, Ringo, & New Orleans Devastation
Another beautiful Mississippi Sunday afternoon, though it's morning. Finally got a shower last night, first one since Monday. Went into Brookhaven, about 40 minutes from here, with Carrie and Jessica. A dry county.. Apparently, that means they can sell at stores, but there are no bars and you can't drink at restaurants. I'm trying very hard not to … judge this state, but it seems messed up! There are hints of Mississippi Burning corruption in the local law enforcement, too. Especially when we called the sheriff about the Deliverance Klan cutting thru fences and stealing the pit-bulls. It was a "boys-will-be-boys" response, after waiting all day for them to show up. Guarding/walking the perimeter at night, I’ve run a few off the cowards off myself. What’s funny is that so have some of the 50-year old women! Brookhaven was full of the stereotypical rednecks. Big trucks, squealing tires etc. Fuck Mississippi.
My mindset is strange. I have little emotional investment here. That ended Friday, when I returned from New Orleans. New Orleans was intense. Seeing the black water lines on the houses. Houses completely destroyed. NEIGHBORHOODS destroyed! The sites that made no logical sense; cars on their sides in yards, boats in places they just didn't belong…like roofs. The decomposing dogs still tied up in the backyard. Six Weeks after the fact!
I was amazed at what the people at the Winn-Dixie parking lot were coping with. They were doing the same things for the animals we were, with far less. Their tent was falling down from the wind. They had ropes tied to the concrete parking barriers because they are in a parking lot and couldn't tie their tents down. Sometimes, out of nowhere, you'd see people actually chasing their tents! I have tons of respect for all of them. I sensed nothing but "get it done."
I missed the high volume rescues, but went on a couple with Mark. I pictured dogs that would be thrilled to see people. Ha! These animals are traumatized. We chased, or better, tried to chase a dog at coffee warehouse for 90 minutes. That dog wanted no part of us and was quite the genius! Another in one of the neighborhoods would let us feed him, but went nuts when we got anywhere near him or his fence. None of the rescue people are using dog bite gear. I can only imagine the shit they’ve seen over the past month plus.
Rick was blindsided by a large pit bull here on Thursday. That dog was screwed up. When I walked by his cage feeding them; one second he'd seem happy in the next he was trying to tear through the fence to get me. Rick never saw him coming, and was drug 4 or 5 feet by his forearm. He wound up in the hospital all day and now has a brace on his arm. "Ringo" (he had ringworm) was put down that afternoon and tested for rabies. Everyone here seems to be pro-pitbull, but after seeing that dog I understand the laws. Some of the pits are very gentle dogs, but several seemed quite aggressive. Ringo had bitten another handler that same day.
Carrie and Jessica are leaving today; driving back to Indiana. Jessica flies back to Portland tomorrow. My new battle is to figure out what I want to do next. I not sure I want to stay here much longer. Things have settled into a routine, stabilized. They have plenty of volunteers. That's great for them, but doesn't motivate me as much as I could be. New Orleans was it. The day flew by and I did some good. I'll put that together soon, I guess.
My mindset is strange. I have little emotional investment here. That ended Friday, when I returned from New Orleans. New Orleans was intense. Seeing the black water lines on the houses. Houses completely destroyed. NEIGHBORHOODS destroyed! The sites that made no logical sense; cars on their sides in yards, boats in places they just didn't belong…like roofs. The decomposing dogs still tied up in the backyard. Six Weeks after the fact!
I was amazed at what the people at the Winn-Dixie parking lot were coping with. They were doing the same things for the animals we were, with far less. Their tent was falling down from the wind. They had ropes tied to the concrete parking barriers because they are in a parking lot and couldn't tie their tents down. Sometimes, out of nowhere, you'd see people actually chasing their tents! I have tons of respect for all of them. I sensed nothing but "get it done."
I missed the high volume rescues, but went on a couple with Mark. I pictured dogs that would be thrilled to see people. Ha! These animals are traumatized. We chased, or better, tried to chase a dog at coffee warehouse for 90 minutes. That dog wanted no part of us and was quite the genius! Another in one of the neighborhoods would let us feed him, but went nuts when we got anywhere near him or his fence. None of the rescue people are using dog bite gear. I can only imagine the shit they’ve seen over the past month plus.
Rick was blindsided by a large pit bull here on Thursday. That dog was screwed up. When I walked by his cage feeding them; one second he'd seem happy in the next he was trying to tear through the fence to get me. Rick never saw him coming, and was drug 4 or 5 feet by his forearm. He wound up in the hospital all day and now has a brace on his arm. "Ringo" (he had ringworm) was put down that afternoon and tested for rabies. Everyone here seems to be pro-pitbull, but after seeing that dog I understand the laws. Some of the pits are very gentle dogs, but several seemed quite aggressive. Ringo had bitten another handler that same day.
Carrie and Jessica are leaving today; driving back to Indiana. Jessica flies back to Portland tomorrow. My new battle is to figure out what I want to do next. I not sure I want to stay here much longer. Things have settled into a routine, stabilized. They have plenty of volunteers. That's great for them, but doesn't motivate me as much as I could be. New Orleans was it. The day flew by and I did some good. I'll put that together soon, I guess.
Saturday, October 8, 2005
10/8/05: Tylertown, MS-Kamp Katrina
Humane Society of Louisiana
"Kamp Katrina" (Kreative!)
Near McComb, MS
It's been hard to remember to keep up on this! I've been in Tylertown since Wednesday, about midday. It was rather hard to find this place, but once I got here, they threw me right into the mix. I've worked with the dogs a bit, but mostly have been doing general labor and helping with security.
My biggest surprises have been the locals actually fucking with the compound. They're antagonizing more than anything, but have periodically cut through the fences and stolen dogs to presumably be used in midnight dogfights in the woods across the road! Dogs displaced by a fucking hurricane... rescued only to be...stolen...for dogfights! Fuck Mississippi.
There is some fault with people here, as well as those at the "Bestfriends" animal rescue site next-door. They (the organizations) don't work together at all! They actually compete, presumably for money, donations, PR, and prestige. I was almost certain that people would work toward a common goal regardless of dogma, or affiliation. Nope! That, more than anything, plus the pseudo-cliques in our own little compound has drained me of some of my motivation. A bit of the familiar feelings of disillusionment re: radio and Coors Field. I'm not happy about that. I hoped the idea of working toward a common cause would remedy that, and at times it does, but not for long.
My intolerance for personal politics and unqualified leadership has hindered me a bit. There are good people here, and it definitely helps. The two hippie chicks are leaving tomorrow. Carrie's from Indiana and Jessica from Portland. True pleasures to be around. A good counterbalance to the negativity. We're supposed to get out of here and go hang out in town tonight. Hope that works out.
Rick is in charge of security here. He's guilty of the typical shit, but I have no real problem with him. He doesn't lead by example all that well, yet loves to delegate. But he's been a huge help. None of us are paid, so it's hard to say anyone isn't doing their "job.' Rick is a bit of a ring leader. There are several people from Michigan here. Wisconsin, Illinois, Tennessee, Canada, Florida too. The situation will start to get a bit more difficult when the electricians and carpenters leave. Pat and I will be the main laborers left.
Laina and I decided to essentially split up while I was gone and see what happens from here. I also need to write about yesterday's trip to New Orleans, but have to go to Walmart. More later, I hope.
"Kamp Katrina" (Kreative!)
Near McComb, MS
It's been hard to remember to keep up on this! I've been in Tylertown since Wednesday, about midday. It was rather hard to find this place, but once I got here, they threw me right into the mix. I've worked with the dogs a bit, but mostly have been doing general labor and helping with security.
My biggest surprises have been the locals actually fucking with the compound. They're antagonizing more than anything, but have periodically cut through the fences and stolen dogs to presumably be used in midnight dogfights in the woods across the road! Dogs displaced by a fucking hurricane... rescued only to be...stolen...for dogfights! Fuck Mississippi.
There is some fault with people here, as well as those at the "Bestfriends" animal rescue site next-door. They (the organizations) don't work together at all! They actually compete, presumably for money, donations, PR, and prestige. I was almost certain that people would work toward a common goal regardless of dogma, or affiliation. Nope! That, more than anything, plus the pseudo-cliques in our own little compound has drained me of some of my motivation. A bit of the familiar feelings of disillusionment re: radio and Coors Field. I'm not happy about that. I hoped the idea of working toward a common cause would remedy that, and at times it does, but not for long.
My intolerance for personal politics and unqualified leadership has hindered me a bit. There are good people here, and it definitely helps. The two hippie chicks are leaving tomorrow. Carrie's from Indiana and Jessica from Portland. True pleasures to be around. A good counterbalance to the negativity. We're supposed to get out of here and go hang out in town tonight. Hope that works out.
Rick is in charge of security here. He's guilty of the typical shit, but I have no real problem with him. He doesn't lead by example all that well, yet loves to delegate. But he's been a huge help. None of us are paid, so it's hard to say anyone isn't doing their "job.' Rick is a bit of a ring leader. There are several people from Michigan here. Wisconsin, Illinois, Tennessee, Canada, Florida too. The situation will start to get a bit more difficult when the electricians and carpenters leave. Pat and I will be the main laborers left.
Laina and I decided to essentially split up while I was gone and see what happens from here. I also need to write about yesterday's trip to New Orleans, but have to go to Walmart. More later, I hope.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
9/29/05: Katrina-To the Gulf
Supposedly leaving for the Gulf Region tomorrow or Saturday. I've been concentrating on getting stuff done, yet lacking focus. It's becoming pragmatic rather than keeping my eyes on why I'm doing this. Tomorrow begins the test. I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm slightly scared. Kind of unsure. My goal is to change my life; my thinking. Bust out of this rut permanently. First step down a new path? Departure. I'm ready as I'll ever be, and the coming weeks will prove some things; good or bad. I've sold DVDs, my iPod, and returned the new backpack. All that's left are the remaining DVDs, the radar gun, and the ski jacket. I think I'm ready...
Saturday, September 24, 2005
9/24/05: Denver-Katrina Relief Taking Shape
It's looking like I'm driving down south. Connected with the guy running a campground in Louisiana, and may start out there. That could change if anyone or other organization contacts me. I'd like to go to animal shelters, but not sure how that would work out. I don't know a damn thing! I guess I'll start getting the tactical stuff done on Monday.
The situation at home has deteriorated. There was basically no contact at all yesterday. The past few days have been much the same as a few weeks ago. Getting used to going alone. Seeking clarity. I feel like there's a war being waged in my mind. Almost a fight between young and old. Fighting complacency. Fighting giving up. I've lost focus. My whole purpose -- is to find meaning and purpose. Make my life mean something. So I go out looking. My focus is outward rather than inward. Yes, I'm questioning everything again. This feels the same as on the train home; the ride home from Arizona. I am resistant when it comes to embracing such a change?
The situation at home has deteriorated. There was basically no contact at all yesterday. The past few days have been much the same as a few weeks ago. Getting used to going alone. Seeking clarity. I feel like there's a war being waged in my mind. Almost a fight between young and old. Fighting complacency. Fighting giving up. I've lost focus. My whole purpose -- is to find meaning and purpose. Make my life mean something. So I go out looking. My focus is outward rather than inward. Yes, I'm questioning everything again. This feels the same as on the train home; the ride home from Arizona. I am resistant when it comes to embracing such a change?
Monday, September 19, 2005
9/19/05: Denver-Fuck the Institutions
11:48 am: Well, here it is: 29 again. As with 29, I didn't wake up feeling like I needed a walker. I feel the same as I did yesterday. Go figure...
At this time in 2004, I was chatting with the annoying chick in Santa Fe [telling me about the city]. Wheels were turning, and the stone had just begun to roll. Hurricane Ivan was a year ago last week. The meltdown in our bedroom. Unbearable frustration. I, at that moment, embraced something. I let go to a degree. At the same time, relinquished control and took responsibility the best I knew how. Took responsibility for my own happiness. After Santa Fe, Taos, and now Denver, I'm entering yet another phase. I must let go again. Trust in fate and that the answer will present itself. I believe it will, although I'm worried that it's another "process of elimination." situation. I should seek out more people who think as I do, and exchange ideas and experiences. Consciousness. By definition: waking up.
So, here I am. Standing, almost literally, at a crossroad. The Celestine Prophecy suggests listening to your inner compass when faced with a fork in the road. I will put that to practice. Biloxi Mississippi? Sounds that way. I would like to help animals. Also, but I'll go where I'm drawn. Hilltop Rescue seems a bit too faith-based for my tastes. I have problems with organizations stipulating that "God" must come along with the relief efforts. Why? Quit beating your Bible on your chests and just help!
**Millions of people like me are just wanting to help pick up the pieces, yet no one seems to want to let us. Red tape. Bureaucracy. Crusades. Agendas. No! I reject that. I will go, and perhaps learn a bit about how this itself can be improved. I know the human spirit is alive and well; thriving. People are searching. They feel it. I feel it. Yet every "faith-based" or government organization/corporate charity either wants them to jump into their ideological camp, or to just cough up money.**
Money alone won't solve this problem, unless you consider Halliburton the only solution. Let the people help rebuild New Orleans, and watch what happens. I envision a million people -- volunteers -- who would descend upon the area only because they know they have to do something. Why? In reality, they don't. They could sit at home, watch CNN or HBO (as I am this week), go to their cushy little jobs... maybe even write a check to wash their hands of it. Yet, it seems that untold numbers of us are drawn to Biloxi, Gulfport, or New Orleans with nothing more offered them than the vision of helping. Craigslist is busting with people trying to help.
**Maybe...just maybe...Katrina, along with 9/11, is a catalyst. George Bush may have been put in office for a reason. To enrage us, and as a result, awaken us. I must explore this.
2:18 pm: I think I may book the ticket for Biloxi, or further discuss taking the Jeep down there. Hurricane Rita is brewing off of the Florida Keys. I still need gloves, steel toe boots, and the sleeping pad. All of this, however, will depend on how I'm going. If I drive I can take more shit, but more than likely it will be by bus. Networking may be possible on the bus, but by car, I could pre-network via the Internet. Things are coming together--finally. Fuck the organizations.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
9/15/05: Hurricanes, Whoring, & Buddha
I saw Anthony Hopkins on Conan tonight. Very poignant at this point in time. He was talking about feeling "Zen." How when he quit trying to control everything, things seemed to flow for him. He realized that later in life, and just let things happen. That felt right. I've been trying to control and analyze everything. It occurred to me that during my trips this year, I had done exactly that. I had let go and was just reacting to events and living in the moment. Trying to feel everything and experience whatever life decided to throw at me. Letting go. Relinquish control. I'm far from qualified to control life anyhow! Let life, God, consciousness...whatever...lead me. Wherever.
New Orleans, Slidell, Baton Rouge, Biloxi? That's the direction things are going, although dealing with the Red Cross and these fucking church groups is pissing me off. Why is it so hard to...HELP? I thought couple weeks ago it was North Carolina, but things haven't played out. Katrina hit and I sniffed purpose. I've used that word 1000 times over the last 13 months and maybe the problem is that I'm seeking purpose through the wrong channels. Work? Others? I'll be hard-pressed to find purpose in a "job." Going to work doing something meaningless...just for a paycheck. Whore! That one particular day at 99Rock was beautiful! I came to realize exactly what hookers feel like! I'll not be a whore.
Zen? Let go? Why not! I've tried almost everything else. Six-month trial? I'll come back next summer. Overall, I've enjoyed Denver this year. Coors Field and playing baseball. I'll keep plugging along and let fate decide where I'll end up. Maybe if no one helps me on the volunteer end, I should hop on the Greyhound? Greyhound a shorter time wise and safer.
Laina and I are heading off camping down toward the Royal Gorge later this morning. I think I'll try to keep this little metaphysical sliver in mind this weekend. I'm trying to force, or work toward clarity. It is not working. Maybe it is, but not fast enough. My writing steers me in certain directions, but my experiences are what's really shaping me. This weekend will be a nice case study. I'll pay attention to how I feel.
I'm a bit weary. Need stimuli. I should be reading. I never did get to the library to get that book on Buddhism. I keep hearing things that are drawing me. A "calling" comes to mind, but want to avoid that word. I'd like to learn a bit more and see if it fits. Am I seeking religion? No, just answers. Maybe formulas that will put my mind at ease and help me find contentment and a purpose. Maybe I’ll take my Buddhism books down south. Yeah! Rednecks will love that! Off to the woods we go...
New Orleans, Slidell, Baton Rouge, Biloxi? That's the direction things are going, although dealing with the Red Cross and these fucking church groups is pissing me off. Why is it so hard to...HELP? I thought couple weeks ago it was North Carolina, but things haven't played out. Katrina hit and I sniffed purpose. I've used that word 1000 times over the last 13 months and maybe the problem is that I'm seeking purpose through the wrong channels. Work? Others? I'll be hard-pressed to find purpose in a "job." Going to work doing something meaningless...just for a paycheck. Whore! That one particular day at 99Rock was beautiful! I came to realize exactly what hookers feel like! I'll not be a whore.
Zen? Let go? Why not! I've tried almost everything else. Six-month trial? I'll come back next summer. Overall, I've enjoyed Denver this year. Coors Field and playing baseball. I'll keep plugging along and let fate decide where I'll end up. Maybe if no one helps me on the volunteer end, I should hop on the Greyhound? Greyhound a shorter time wise and safer.
Laina and I are heading off camping down toward the Royal Gorge later this morning. I think I'll try to keep this little metaphysical sliver in mind this weekend. I'm trying to force, or work toward clarity. It is not working. Maybe it is, but not fast enough. My writing steers me in certain directions, but my experiences are what's really shaping me. This weekend will be a nice case study. I'll pay attention to how I feel.
I'm a bit weary. Need stimuli. I should be reading. I never did get to the library to get that book on Buddhism. I keep hearing things that are drawing me. A "calling" comes to mind, but want to avoid that word. I'd like to learn a bit more and see if it fits. Am I seeking religion? No, just answers. Maybe formulas that will put my mind at ease and help me find contentment and a purpose. Maybe I’ll take my Buddhism books down south. Yeah! Rednecks will love that! Off to the woods we go...
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
9/13/05: Denver-Facing a Dragon
The writing exercises have not been as enlightening as they once were. Maybe it's because the time for speculation has passed.
I bought the sleeping bag and a backpack last night at the Coleman outlet store in Castle Rock. I really can't justify not doing something now. I'm a bit frightened and feeling unprepared. The conversation with my mother on Friday has added something to the mix. Again, it's shined a light on something. That old missing chunk of me. Trying to fill that fucking hole! Society can't do it for me. It's an internal/spiritual thing. I need to find or create the filler myself.
It dawned on me today that I have always wondered why she was so concerned with everyone else while she herself "suffered." Maybe she came to the same conclusions I'm coming to following Katrina. She did understand where I was coming from in wanting to go. It appears that she's chosen to fill her void with God. I will be the last to try to take that away. That would be the height of evil. I hope she finds peace. I was bothered by the " failure as a mother" line. She didn't fail; besides, she was sabotaged. I accept that I was lucky personally. (Ward) is an asshole. Plain and simple. He is unable to transcend his own pain, even if it affects and hurts his own children. "Don't commit the sins of the father" the saying goes.
So, now it's back to the present. I know, and have known all along, what I need. Fulfillment. Knowing who I am and I'm now learning that from scratch. Ward could provide some of that, and by all rights should. Should or not, he just won't. My personal quest must continue and will do so without preconceived notions from "out there." My life is officially mine. All mine. No one else holds influence. I've pledged to stop living it for imaginary approval. That approval will come from within. I'm internalized anyhow, so you would think that killing this unnatural need for outside approval would be easy!
Maybe I should begin to think that everyone else is like a member of Ward's family? I can't do that, and if I did it would be false. I must strive to be genuine. Unfiltered truth. It always comes back to that. The single most significant idea is truth. Displaying it. Speaking it. Trying to live it despite confusion. I often know the truth, and sometimes let it do battle with my rationalizations anyhow. I will begin to conquer that. Rationalization: nothing more than internal "spin."
Okay... so maybe the writing does help a little.
I bought the sleeping bag and a backpack last night at the Coleman outlet store in Castle Rock. I really can't justify not doing something now. I'm a bit frightened and feeling unprepared. The conversation with my mother on Friday has added something to the mix. Again, it's shined a light on something. That old missing chunk of me. Trying to fill that fucking hole! Society can't do it for me. It's an internal/spiritual thing. I need to find or create the filler myself.
It dawned on me today that I have always wondered why she was so concerned with everyone else while she herself "suffered." Maybe she came to the same conclusions I'm coming to following Katrina. She did understand where I was coming from in wanting to go. It appears that she's chosen to fill her void with God. I will be the last to try to take that away. That would be the height of evil. I hope she finds peace. I was bothered by the " failure as a mother" line. She didn't fail; besides, she was sabotaged. I accept that I was lucky personally. (Ward) is an asshole. Plain and simple. He is unable to transcend his own pain, even if it affects and hurts his own children. "Don't commit the sins of the father" the saying goes.
So, now it's back to the present. I know, and have known all along, what I need. Fulfillment. Knowing who I am and I'm now learning that from scratch. Ward could provide some of that, and by all rights should. Should or not, he just won't. My personal quest must continue and will do so without preconceived notions from "out there." My life is officially mine. All mine. No one else holds influence. I've pledged to stop living it for imaginary approval. That approval will come from within. I'm internalized anyhow, so you would think that killing this unnatural need for outside approval would be easy!
Maybe I should begin to think that everyone else is like a member of Ward's family? I can't do that, and if I did it would be false. I must strive to be genuine. Unfiltered truth. It always comes back to that. The single most significant idea is truth. Displaying it. Speaking it. Trying to live it despite confusion. I often know the truth, and sometimes let it do battle with my rationalizations anyhow. I will begin to conquer that. Rationalization: nothing more than internal "spin."
Okay... so maybe the writing does help a little.
Wednesday, September 7, 2005
9/7/05: Denver-Deaf, Dumb, & Blind
Feeling antsy & the onset of complacency at the same time. Spending a lot of time trying to reacquire my political legs. In fact, that's about all I have been doing. Still trying to formulate a plan. Almost have decided on going to New Orleans, and now thinking next to nothing about North Carolina. What a difference a week makes. What else is new? I also sent an e-mail to a radio station in Mohave County, Arizona and am considering journalism again. If I choose not to do that, I need to shut the fuck up about the media. Act or watch quietly.
I'm not sure what to do. Something. I've hit the rut again; took a whole four days. I guess I need to weigh options and make a decision ASAP. New Orleans? Bus? North Carolina? Arizona? New Orleans is holding the most interest for me, because it would mean something. I like the idea of a tent for for a long period, too.
I've all but decided to do Denver again next year. Part of me wants to hit the road NOW! But, alas, I need the money and to not burn bridges at Coors Field. So, here I am again spinning my wheels until 9/25. 18 days. Two weeks four days. That's nothing.
Feeling very alone right now. I've begun to disconnect from Laina, I can feel it. I'm bothered that I haven't left the house in two days. I have no excitement left in me right now. The incident on 16th St last week; that may have sealed it for me. I was teetering anyhow. Did not need to see that. Why does this always happen?
Synchronicity? And I have sync with myself? Why it feels so good when I travel, or move? Adventure. I have ideas, yet I never get off my ass. Sleeping bag. Tent. Backpack. I guess I need to get that MP3 off to Arizona to least trying to eliminate another option. Then, if I head to New Orleans, or on Greyhound, I can use to camping stuff either way. Is North Carolina dead? Maybe. Not feeling it right now. What about working KBPI? No. Not licking that anus.
What exactly do I want? What exactly do I need to get there? That should be my focus, I suppose.
I'm not sure what to do. Something. I've hit the rut again; took a whole four days. I guess I need to weigh options and make a decision ASAP. New Orleans? Bus? North Carolina? Arizona? New Orleans is holding the most interest for me, because it would mean something. I like the idea of a tent for for a long period, too.
I've all but decided to do Denver again next year. Part of me wants to hit the road NOW! But, alas, I need the money and to not burn bridges at Coors Field. So, here I am again spinning my wheels until 9/25. 18 days. Two weeks four days. That's nothing.
Feeling very alone right now. I've begun to disconnect from Laina, I can feel it. I'm bothered that I haven't left the house in two days. I have no excitement left in me right now. The incident on 16th St last week; that may have sealed it for me. I was teetering anyhow. Did not need to see that. Why does this always happen?
Synchronicity? And I have sync with myself? Why it feels so good when I travel, or move? Adventure. I have ideas, yet I never get off my ass. Sleeping bag. Tent. Backpack. I guess I need to get that MP3 off to Arizona to least trying to eliminate another option. Then, if I head to New Orleans, or on Greyhound, I can use to camping stuff either way. Is North Carolina dead? Maybe. Not feeling it right now. What about working KBPI? No. Not licking that anus.
What exactly do I want? What exactly do I need to get there? That should be my focus, I suppose.
Monday, September 5, 2005
9/5/05: Denver-Katrina's Nudge
I'm almost overwhelmed! I've been back from North Carolina, for four days and am still trying to process everything. Things are drastically changing. I had all but decided to take off for North Carolina, but suddenly the vibe with Sarah is different. Hurricane Katrina decimated New Orleans last week, and the news has been dominated by it and the federal government's pathetic response. I'm thinking about going to Louisiana or Mississippi to volunteer. I'm down to just under three weeks at the ballpark, have some cash, and want to use it for something productive. Another option: getting the Greyhound 60-day pass.
Denver's lost its shine. Saw black teenage girl verbally assaulting an older white man down on 16th St. the other night, throwing every racist epithet she could think of at the old coot--who made the mistake of saying hello to her. Disgusting. It disturbed me. Nothing is doing anything for me today. Did go to the Museum, and my hangover decided to come along too. Went to the bar Friday, Saturday, and last night to celebrate and take advantage of Labor Day (today). My time in North Carolina led me to wonder rather ignoring my little drunk was part of the problem, as though maybe I'm suppressing something important, but the nights out this weekend were not all that great. Met Maggie at Charlie Brown's, also a Brian, who was from New Orleans. Likable, but despite that-pretty much an asshole.
My entire focus when I'm out is finding a connection. It's almost an obsession. I'm sending some seriously bad karma out there right now, I suspect. Finding those people gets me off. It's my "hole." What I'm missing. Meaningful relationships. Someone to make me feel complete. Whole. I've always known that; it's my quest since I'm a little kid. I pray that I can fill it someday. I'll never be settled until I find it.
What should I do? Leave? Stay? Wait? Go where? Interesting how my focus changes periodically. Since Arizona, I haven't had the hunger for knowledge. It's become a hunt for experience. Things seemed so clear on the train.
Laina and I talked for hours since I've gotten back, and yes--things seemed to make a certain sense during [those talks]. She really wants to make this work. I sense that she's afraid we won't have another chance. My feelings are that of still searching. Perpetual searching for pieces to complete my personal puzzle. I found bits and pieces. Significant things. My mind is really changing at a rapid pace. Hard to keep up. Turtle and [another] Todd were on the bus east for a reason. I wish I could explain why. Unbearable dissatisfaction and feeling as though my life is out of sync. It is. What do I want? How I get there? Synchronicity. I need it. My mind is racing...
Denver's lost its shine. Saw black teenage girl verbally assaulting an older white man down on 16th St. the other night, throwing every racist epithet she could think of at the old coot--who made the mistake of saying hello to her. Disgusting. It disturbed me. Nothing is doing anything for me today. Did go to the Museum, and my hangover decided to come along too. Went to the bar Friday, Saturday, and last night to celebrate and take advantage of Labor Day (today). My time in North Carolina led me to wonder rather ignoring my little drunk was part of the problem, as though maybe I'm suppressing something important, but the nights out this weekend were not all that great. Met Maggie at Charlie Brown's, also a Brian, who was from New Orleans. Likable, but despite that-pretty much an asshole.
My entire focus when I'm out is finding a connection. It's almost an obsession. I'm sending some seriously bad karma out there right now, I suspect. Finding those people gets me off. It's my "hole." What I'm missing. Meaningful relationships. Someone to make me feel complete. Whole. I've always known that; it's my quest since I'm a little kid. I pray that I can fill it someday. I'll never be settled until I find it.
What should I do? Leave? Stay? Wait? Go where? Interesting how my focus changes periodically. Since Arizona, I haven't had the hunger for knowledge. It's become a hunt for experience. Things seemed so clear on the train.
Laina and I talked for hours since I've gotten back, and yes--things seemed to make a certain sense during [those talks]. She really wants to make this work. I sense that she's afraid we won't have another chance. My feelings are that of still searching. Perpetual searching for pieces to complete my personal puzzle. I found bits and pieces. Significant things. My mind is really changing at a rapid pace. Hard to keep up. Turtle and [another] Todd were on the bus east for a reason. I wish I could explain why. Unbearable dissatisfaction and feeling as though my life is out of sync. It is. What do I want? How I get there? Synchronicity. I need it. My mind is racing...
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
8/31/05: Amtrak 2-Hurricanes Both Real & Imagined
Training now thru Iowa toward Nebraska; I'm sick of this part of the country. I'm a bit unnerved tonight. Not bad, but starting to sense and put a face on the impending storm, and don't want this trip to end. The train caught the remnants of Hurricane Katrina early this morning, somewhere between Erie & Cleveland. Whatever was left couldn't have been too bad; I only woke up for a second.
I'm not looking forward to Denver, and I'm afraid I'm also set up for a really big let-down in North Carolina. Either housing won't come thru, or some other shoe will drop. That's my old thinking of course, but fell like I should consider it. I feel energized when I think of the potential adventures but it's still merely and idea; not yet fact. I believe that's why I'm dreading Denver: It's about to become fact, or I'll back down again.
What have I gained from the last two-days [on the train]? The reflection and realization that there ARE people out there who ARE peers. And, my thoughts of returning to my relationship are of dread. To continue seems pointless. Where would we be going? Toward what? More of the same. All the rationale for staying lies on the foundation of me changing myself. "Change" is guaranteed, but not of the variety needed! The more I try to comply and conform, the angrier I become. My identity: I want to redefine and reclaim it. Gotta go: every time I leave, I feel that.
For the last 48-hours, I've been telling myself that I'm going to do this when I get back, and not only for me, but to spare her further misery as well. I suppose I should take a deep breath when I get home, relax, and re-assess things. Not sure what, other than catastrophic failure somewhere, could change this.
I'm not looking forward to Denver, and I'm afraid I'm also set up for a really big let-down in North Carolina. Either housing won't come thru, or some other shoe will drop. That's my old thinking of course, but fell like I should consider it. I feel energized when I think of the potential adventures but it's still merely and idea; not yet fact. I believe that's why I'm dreading Denver: It's about to become fact, or I'll back down again.
What have I gained from the last two-days [on the train]? The reflection and realization that there ARE people out there who ARE peers. And, my thoughts of returning to my relationship are of dread. To continue seems pointless. Where would we be going? Toward what? More of the same. All the rationale for staying lies on the foundation of me changing myself. "Change" is guaranteed, but not of the variety needed! The more I try to comply and conform, the angrier I become. My identity: I want to redefine and reclaim it. Gotta go: every time I leave, I feel that.
For the last 48-hours, I've been telling myself that I'm going to do this when I get back, and not only for me, but to spare her further misery as well. I suppose I should take a deep breath when I get home, relax, and re-assess things. Not sure what, other than catastrophic failure somewhere, could change this.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
8/30/05: Upstate, NY-Amtrak 1
Between Syracuse & Rochester, New York
On the train, still processing everything that's happened over the past six-days. I've had an number of the "here I am" moments, most strikingly in Nashville. More today in New York City, then further up the Hudson River. This trip will be one of my fondest memories; exceeded all expectations. I have all but decided to pursue Asheville for at least the winter if I can put it all together. Everything points that way. Every practical angle. I just cannot see myself remaining in Denver, although returning next spring is possible. My only concern is that of perspective. Returning and re-entering the rut. AGAIN, something awoke on this trip. Something dormant, and it was easier this time. Is that the draw? Knowing that something that is dormant is desperately needed?
I'm enjoying the train ride. Seeking out, or at least looking for people; peers/comrades. Like minded folks. People to learn from. Someone to add something. Living life; not letting it pass. "Everything works out." Lessons? Many. Of this trip in particular? Not sure I can verbalize. One possible Celestine Prophecy example: a woman in the lounge car. I came down here hoping to meet and chat with her. I didn't. I instead ignored her in favor of my writing! What if I had done that with Sarah? None of this happens. Each person in a potential portal to something great. I'm slowly learning this, and realizing/remembering that the general good in people always outweighs the bad. Even my examples of "bad" have either taught me something, or led to other people. Danny, for example and by default (and after a degree or two of separation) led me here. Where else? North Carolina? I am indeed at a wonderful crossroad. I have to protect against old thinking, and the return of fear. Put the lessons to work, rather than learning them in theory only. The next 36-hours [on the train] need to be used to bolster my confidence & resolve. That HAS to come from me-no one else. Start within, and all that jazz. Map your own path.
Always answering my own questions....
Saturday, August 27, 2005
8/27/05: Asheville, NC-On Letting Go
Day two [at Sarah's] in Asheville. Looking out the window, I ask myself, "how did I get here?" Is as though I'm more of a passenger on a journey now. I've let go to a degree; a great degree.
I told Laina today that when I take these trips, something seems to reawaken. It's something that I can't integrate into normal life; at least my life in Denver. I keep meeting some of the greatest people... Dan, Turtle, [another] Todd, Dutch, Annie-how many more? Laina quite rightly pointed out that this is what "gets me off." Indeed. I like the idea and the practice of throwing my life to the wind. Letting chance to its worst, and then picking up the pieces. Am I subconsciously moving toward something? Sure feels that way! Celestine Prophecy re: the idea of "coincidence." I believe less in "coincidence" everyday.
Just letting go. What would I be holding on to? Fears. Self-consciousness. That's slowly going away. Not completely. Letting go. Giving way to forces greater than myself. Cosmic energy. Human energy. Organic. I'm starting to identify with that idea more & more and it seems to be working. Not sure how to increase its usefulness nor understand it. I'll keep trying; quit thinking. Just follow my senses. I was right to come here. I know that now.
There's still something unnerving about all of this. A twinge of, "What if you're wrong?" I may be. I don't know what the future has in store for me. Maybe something great? I hope so, but if not-that's okay but the future feels as though it just got brighter. I wonder if these visions I get when I think about courses taken mean anything. Of course they do. Always have. I've simply never had the courage or self-confidence to believe in them. Embrace them. Is this where the path chosen a year ago was leading all along? Seems obvious right now. Have I finally broken out of this trance?
I told Laina today that when I take these trips, something seems to reawaken. It's something that I can't integrate into normal life; at least my life in Denver. I keep meeting some of the greatest people... Dan, Turtle, [another] Todd, Dutch, Annie-how many more? Laina quite rightly pointed out that this is what "gets me off." Indeed. I like the idea and the practice of throwing my life to the wind. Letting chance to its worst, and then picking up the pieces. Am I subconsciously moving toward something? Sure feels that way! Celestine Prophecy re: the idea of "coincidence." I believe less in "coincidence" everyday.
Just letting go. What would I be holding on to? Fears. Self-consciousness. That's slowly going away. Not completely. Letting go. Giving way to forces greater than myself. Cosmic energy. Human energy. Organic. I'm starting to identify with that idea more & more and it seems to be working. Not sure how to increase its usefulness nor understand it. I'll keep trying; quit thinking. Just follow my senses. I was right to come here. I know that now.
There's still something unnerving about all of this. A twinge of, "What if you're wrong?" I may be. I don't know what the future has in store for me. Maybe something great? I hope so, but if not-that's okay but the future feels as though it just got brighter. I wonder if these visions I get when I think about courses taken mean anything. Of course they do. Always have. I've simply never had the courage or self-confidence to believe in them. Embrace them. Is this where the path chosen a year ago was leading all along? Seems obvious right now. Have I finally broken out of this trance?
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